Hello, visitor!

Article:
| Psychology Today
Do you find yourself picking the wrong guy or gal time after time? That may be more than bad luck. Here are five reasons why you might not be finding the love of your life.

Click here for where can i meet a good man




How Can I Find a Good Man or Woman? 5 reasons why you keep picking the wrong guy or gal. Share on Bluesky. THE BASICS. The Science of Mating Take our Romantic Personality Test Find a therapist near me. I received a lot of comments and feedback about two articles that I published last year: Why Women Can't Find a Good Man" and "Why Are Men Frustrated With Dating?" Most of the commentary, beyond venting of frustrations on both sides, was asking for strategies to find a "good" partner. I have partially answered that question in my many articles (see the archives). Nevertheless, some readers report continued trouble and frustration with finding a good partner. Particularly, they tell me about repeatedly meeting the "wrong" kind of person. They date, mingle, and meet but end up with the same type of "losers," "jerks," and "divas." No matter what they try, they seem to end up in the same unsatisfying relationships. From my perspective, there are a number of reasons why this happens. So, if you are stuck in a cycle of bad dating, then read on! One of these problems might just apply to you. 5 Reasons Why People Don't Find Mr. or Ms. Right. 1. Wanting what they cannot have. Some people get addicted to the thrill of the chase. The forbidden fruit. The "playing hard to get." They lust for those people who pay them no attention, are aloof, disinterested, or even mean. Wanting what we cannot have is a common mental quirk that we all possess. Within the social influence research, this is called "Scarcity" (Cialdini, 2009). Essentially, we are all hard-wired to believe things that are difficult to obtain, or rare, are also valuable and desirable. However, this is not always the case. Sometimes the rare and expensive is truly valuable. other times it is just some junk a person put a high price tag on! Some people keep dating the wrong kind of guy or gal because they fall for the scarcity trap. They keep chasing what they cannot have. Sometimes this is an ego thing ("I'm going to show him how good I am!"). Other times, it is a low self-esteem thing ("what do I have to do to get her to love me?"). In either case, however, they mistake this partner's disinterest and scarcity for actual value. The solution: Stop the chase. Realize that just because something is hard to get doesn't mean it is worth the effort. No one is worth running after. It is better to find someone who will meet you in the middle. 2. Being biased and not seeing good possibilities. People also get hurt at various times in their dating lives. As a result, they find ways to protect their egos and self-esteem. They find ways of coping with the rejection, disappointments, and frustrations of finding love. Unfortunately, some of those ways are better than others. There are two common ways people protect their egos in these situations by creating biases that blind them. On one hand, they may expect very little of themselves and make excuses for failures before they even happen. This is called Self-Handicapping (Tice, 1991). On the other hand, they may expect very little of others and make themselves feel superior by looking down at them. This is called Pre-Judging (Fein & Spencer, 1997). THE BASICS. The Science of Mating Take our Romantic Personality Test Find a therapist near me. Both of these biases lead to bad dating. Either the dater expects to fail, or they expect the other person to be awful. Neither of these biases allows them to truly "see" a good partner — or have the motivation to get them. So, such a biased individual either "settles for less" or stays alone and grumpy. The solution: Getting over the past and learning to see clearly. Not everybody out there is a jerk, no matter what has happened in the past. In fact, most people are decent and looking for love. Rather than expecting the worst, it is more productive to look for what is different and better. That is the only way to find it! Mating Essential Reads. 3. Relying on luck and fate to find love. For most people, dating is a process of trial and error. They learn the skills to socialize. They go out and meet people. They date a few folks (or more). Out of all that experience, good and bad, they find one who is attractive to them, compatible, and interested in them too! All of that takes work and effort. Other individuals rely on luck, fate, or destiny. Because they believe the process is more-or-less out of their hands, they may not put much work into it. They might not look hard. They might not build themselves up to be better people and more valuable partners. Instead, they may believe someone will simply be their "soul mate" and "love them exactly as they are." In truth, such a belief in destiny and a perfect soul mate partner often leads people to be overly picky, reject good partners, and end up unlucky in love (Knee, 1998, Knee, Vietor, & Neighbors, 2004). They can also be passive in their search for love, simply taking whoever comes into their lives and makes them feel attraction. In the end, they can have little control over the love in their lives, may make a lot of bad choices from being swept away by emotion, and then get repeatedly disappointed when their lovers are not the perfect soul mate after all. The solution: Looking for a good partner, not a perfect one. There are simply better and worse partners out there. Some are more fit for a relationship than others.